2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
