So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
