I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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