Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
