Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's like iHOP with fire
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
