fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
