Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my shit smells like andre
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
