if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
