She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
