Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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