Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
