he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
