Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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