dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
