wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
