This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
