I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
