is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
