So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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