you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
