he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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