I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
