Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Randomize
