This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
