He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize