Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
