My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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