She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
