I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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