when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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