Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
