Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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