I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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