Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
