sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
