if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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