Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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