dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
