I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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