I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
