my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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