I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
