i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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