I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
