you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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