I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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