i permit you to call me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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