I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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