the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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