shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize