then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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