ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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