i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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