It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
