New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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