Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
