I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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