I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
